I'll be 40 in August. You heard me. I'm admitting it. I shall crest that proverbial hill and begin the speedy descent into middle age as the year 2010 comes to a close. I would love to be the kind of person who looks back with nostalgia at my youth. But, to be honest, I'm just ready to finally settle down into my middle years. I'm tired of change and long for stability. Following is a brief timeline of major life changes since college.
2/93 - Move to Texas
5/93 - Graduate from college
6/93 - Begin a career in healthcare
- - - Long period of twenties crazy adventure - - - exhausting, but fun
6/1996 - 1st Apt. by myself
8/2001 - Marriage and change church
1/2002 - Laid off from job of 8 years
4/2002 - New job, same career field
5/2004 - Bought house
7/2004 - Baby #1
5/2005 - Husband job change
7/2005 - Quit job
11/2005 - Change church - jumped into inner-city ministry
8/2006 - Baby #2
10/2007 - New job
6/2009 - Church move
8/2009 - Laid off
1/2010 - Husband job change
I know that we are not the only couple that has gone through these types of changes. But, I guess I'm not as adaptable to change as I thought. I am so tired. Physically, emotionally and spiritually spent. I am ready to rest. Please God, help me to rest and recover from all of these changes. I feel like I lost who I am amidst the change. Like I tried on a new identity with every change and never really got to the point of defining the "married with children" Rene.
I look forward to my middle aged future, where Ben is done with school, the girls can dress and feed themselves, and I've lost weight and wear instead a calm genuine serenity. Some of finding myself in these middle years may include finally understanding what God is calling me to do - for work, for fun and for my community. And I look forward to growing deeper relationships with my friends and family; and to the day when we sit around the table at dinner and tell stories about "remember when."
Do I regret the last ten years? Absolutely not! There are so many special moments that I wouldn't trade for the world. My children and my husband keep my focused on the importance of making the most of every day. And now that I am in a season of rest, I can be more intentional about doing just that.
Thursday, April 1, 2010
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Cultural Identity
I was intrigued when listening to NPR do an article on leaders from the ANC, African National Congress, leaving to form a new opposition party in South Africa (http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=95924786).
Please listen to the link for a better understanding of the what's been happening. My comment is in relation to one piece of this story. A dissident party member describes why he has decided to leave the party, that the ANC no longer lives by its long tradition of fighting tribalism. His words were something like...a Zulu party member wants to make T-Shirts displaying his tribe's emblem and the ANC is OK with this. They did not fight it.
Please listen to the link for a better understanding of the what's been happening. My comment is in relation to one piece of this story. A dissident party member describes why he has decided to leave the party, that the ANC no longer lives by its long tradition of fighting tribalism. His words were something like...a Zulu party member wants to make T-Shirts displaying his tribe's emblem and the ANC is OK with this. They did not fight it.
My first instinct was to put this comment into an American context. I thought, "why would it not be OK for a Zulu to make a T-Shirt displaying the emblems of his tribe?" My thought process followed two perspectives.
1. Making a Zulu oriented T-Shirt, from an American perspective, would be like someone who was Japanese wearing a shirt with their country's flag on it. Or a Latina, wearing the colors of Puerto Rico or Cuba or Mexico. Or even the Rastafarian who wears a yellow, green and red shirt with Bob Marley on the front. I mean showing people who you are and where you come from has become a source of price for most Americans. I thought, "Why would you not want a Zulu to display his or her own heritage? Isn't being Zulu a huge part of their identity? To take that person's identity away and make them just ANC, is that truly democratic? Wouldn't their be a lot of grief and sadness related to the process of wiping out tribalism in South Africa? And haven't we seen in America that when a person's identity is taken away, we are left with generations of individuals who, not knowing who they are and where they come from, lead reckless unproductive lives?"
2. When I think of Rwanda and Darfur and how the tribes try to wipe each other out because of grudges that go untended; when I think of all the atrocities committed in the name of one tribe or the other, I begin to see tribes as more like gangs. From this perspective, to wear a tribal T-Shirt might be more closely akin to wearing gang colors or gang signs.
But, I think there must be a compromise between these two perspectives. Somehow America has gotten there, I think. We are the great melting pot. And not a day goes by when I as an American am reminded of the benefits of cultural and racial diversity. Rather than wiping out the identity of a person by eliminating tribalism, hadn't we ought to focus on forgiveness and peace between the tribes? How would a government like the ANC go about quenching the hot tribal hatred without stripping a tribe of its identity?
I'd love to know your thoughts.
Saturday, September 20, 2008
Promptings
Here is a word picture that I received while driving recently. It came from dwelling on my relationship with two people I love very much, but have had difficulty loving well lately.
The beautiful Christian who has not experienced, or does not understand, the fullness of God's grace is like a deliciously fragrant flower that keeps closed up tight because it is ashamed of its colors deep inside and afraid of being judged by those who kneel down for a closer look.
The Christian's spiritual fruit is the fragrance that draws your attention. The outer shell is perfect in form and color; clearly the creator spared no attention to detail when designing His child, and the child has taken care not to deform its petals with the poisons of the world.
As you admire this flower you long to know more; you crave to have a deeper, more intimate experience with this lover of Christ. You will never truly know or understand this flower until you see the rich colors deep within. But the flower is full of fear and remains shut tight. If you force the petals open, you will only damage the flower.
You stare perplexed as you try to determine the safest way to know the flower more deeply. The flower, in turn, feels your stares and is sure that you are judging it already. It becomes self conscious. Perhaps one of its petals has browned on the tip. Perhaps its efforts to remain a stunning picture of religious perfection have been sullied somehow. The flower silently wishes you would just take your lofty ideals of love and intimacy and go away!
Suddenly you feel a great sadness well up within you. This flower is beautiful and fragrant, but what keeps it shut tight? You begin to guess at the colors inside. Perhaps the colors are deep hues of blue as if the flower has experienced a great sadness of its own. Perhaps the colors are shades of black like unresolved anger or violet like the bruises of punishment or persecution. It seems you will never know.
You shed many tears of grief as you ask the Lord what you should do. You don't want to ignore the longing inside, for that wouldn't be living in truth. And now that you sense there is a great sadness that needs ministering to, the sadness of not knowing the fullness of God's grace, you couldn't possibly walk away from this beautiful Christian. You must stay and be there for him until...
Silently, on the wind, the Holy Spirit enters the garden with an aroma unlike any you have ever know, like silk on the air. He has heard your cries and has come to attend to the delicate flower. "I've tried everything," you weep, "but it just won't budge." The Holy Spirit surrounds the flower. The flower shudders because it is certain that God's judgement is imminent. It must have missed some very important theology, or failed to serve others well, or just isn't beautiful enough on the inside. Then the Holy Spirit breathes warmth onto the flower and you feel it too. You feel - safe. The flower falls into a deep sleep. Then the Holy Spirit begins to sing. He sings a love song to the flower while gently stroking the flowers petals. He sings a love song to the Christian and the touch of his hand on her face is so gentle and soothing.
Without fear the flower begins to open. Without fear the Christian slowly lets down his guard. The colors inside give off a dazzling glow. There are blues and blacks and violets. But there is also red, orange, green all glittering like they have been dusted with gold.
"What is it you see?" the Holy Spirit asks.
"I see beauty," you reply.
"That is what We see as well."
"Is this flower perfect?" I very much want to know because it just so beautiful.
"No. There is no one perfect except for Us."
The flower, the Christian, finally finds its voice. "I know I'm not perfect. I've tried so hard. I'm sorry I've failed." The Holy Spirit whispers gently. "Your sins are forgiven and your failures are washed clean. Because of the blood of Jesus Christ, God the Father sees what I see, a beautiful flower. A beautiful Christian. And we love you more than you will ever comprehend."
The flower, the Christian, finally understands. Fear is gone and her loved ones are finally let in to see the deeper parts. And through the love of Jesus and the ministry of the Holy Spirit, the dark blues and blacks and violets that represent the great sadness in the flower's soul begin to brighten until only traces of darkness remain.
This is my prayer for my two loved ones. That the ministry of the Holy Spirit breath the truth of grace into their lives, so that they can in turn learn to love without fear of judgement and so that we can begin to experience one another with the deepest of intimacy.
Prayer & Meditation
(copied from my 360.yahoo.com blog dated 4/3/08)
A friend recently explained to me the detailed, step by step process of eastern style meditation. As denoted in the picture, the meditative posture is very important as well as the thoughtful visualizations that occur during the meditation. My friend has come a long way from delving into witchcraft and the metaphysical to being totally sold out for Christ. The other day we talked about meditation as it relates to Christianity.
First, I want to mention a book that another friend is reading, Developing Intimacy with God: An Eight-Week Prayer Guide Based on Ignatius' "Spiritual Exercises" by Alex Aronis. I just found out about this book, so I can't really comment on it, except that my friend says it's awesome! You can find this book on Amazon, and I also found translations of St. Ignatius' Spiritual Exercises. I think both of these books will be worth the read.
Second, I want to share an experience that I had at a women's retreat. We were given a brief description of Centering Prayer, and then given the opportunity to try it. Basically, we were asked to become still and tell God that we were ready to listen and receive his word and then just listen and wait. Closing our eyes was important in order to shut out any distractions. It was difficult for me at first to still my mind. But when I did, very unexpectedly, I was given a clear vision. I saw myself sitting crosslegged in a grassy knoll by a stream. I asked God where I was and he said, "This is the River of Life." I remember not really knowing what to do with this information, except to quietly sit and experience the River of Life. After our time of Centering Prayer was over, we all had an opportunity to discuss what God had shown us. Three or four people received similar messages about the River of Life. The music, which had been decided on prior to the retreat, also talked about the River of Life. It was truly amazing to experience God's Word in that moment of prayer and meditation.
Third, I want to address any spirit of fear related to meditation. In my friend's case, meditation was used to open her mind to spirits. I have no doubt that these spirits came. It's a little scary to think of how the dark spiritual realm visits the open mind and heart, and what lies are told during that time. But, just because there is a dark side to meditation does not mean that meditation itself is wrong. In fact, the bible mentions meditation over and over again. It especially appears in the book of Psalms, which tells me that meditation can be a very worshipful experience.
Joshua 1:8 Do not let this book of law depart from your mouth; meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do everything written in it.
Psalm 1:2 But his delight is in the law of the Lord, and on his law he meditates day and night.
Psalm 19:14 May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, O Lord, my rock and my redeemer.
Psalm 39:3 My heart grew hot within me, and as I meditated the fire burned. Then I spoke with my tongue.
Psalm 48:9 Within your temple, O God, we meditate on your unfailing love.
Psalm 77:12 I will meditate on all your works and consider all your mighty deeds.
Psalm 104:34 May my meditation be pleasing to him, as I rejoice in the Lord.
Psalm 119:15 I meditate on your precepts and consider your ways.
Psalm 119:23 Though rulers sit together and slander me, your servant will meditate on your decrees.
Psalm 119:27 Let me understand the teaching of your precepts; then I will meditate on your wonders.
Psalm 119:48 I lift up my hands to your commands, which I love, and I meditate on your decrees.
There are other scriptures that command us to take time out to think on certain things:
Philippians 4:8 Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable-if anything is excellent or praisworthy-think about such things.
You have seen in some of my previous blogs my frustration with depression and overeating. Often in the last few months I've been recalling my experience with Centering Prayer and I believe God is encouraging me to come back to him in prayer and meditation. Prayer for me is usually more conversational. I try to listen, but I am always distracted by children or my job or whatever. I think God is asking me to sit still and listen...to close my eyes, to quiet my mind, to visualize God's word, to hear his whisper, to see him or experience him in whatever way he decides I need to experience him. Perhaps in meditation, I will hear God's word as it relates to my life.
Surrender
(copied from my 360.yahoo.com blog dated 2/14/08)
I saw a word picture today that I wanted to share. It was the picture of surrender. The source is surprising. I'll tell my story and then share some thoughts.
Every day I take my very young children to daycare. It was my intent to stay home with them until they were in kindergarten, but an opportunity that came out of nowhere caused me to have to find daytime caregivers for my children. I was blessed to find a really great Christian daycare. And, I love my children's teachers. They do so well with my kids. I find myself praying for them every time I think about how much they bless my family. These thoughts are particularly strong since this is Teacher Appreciation Week.
Anyway, the girls do miss me and do not like to see me go in the morning. It's hard for me, too. Especially when they cling to me as tightly as they can. It breaks my heart to break that literal bond between us. Today, was one of those days. My one year old did her NO, NO dance outside the door to her classroom. But when Miss Veronica picked her up, she seemed to surrender to the inevitable. She loves Miss Veronica anyway. My three year old did the same thing, a little differently. When we got to her classroom, her first instinct was to cling. But then she remembered she had a special handmade card to give her teacher. She, too, surrendered to school.
Can you see where I'm going with this? I'm not sure how my mind got here, unless by the Holy Spirit. When I saw my children surrender the comfort of their mommy in order to experience new and wonderful things and to learn, I saw a picture of what our temptation is as adults. We want to cling with all our might to our comfort zones. When someone (like a good friend) or something (like a good book) tries to tear us away from what we know it's painful. We are sad. But when we surrender to what God has in store for us, it turns out to be such a wonderful thing. We learn and grow, just like my children are learning and growing in school.
My challenge today is that you mind your heart closely. If you feel God tugging at you to let go of the old, so he can grow you with the new - give in! It may feel terrifying at first. But, trust me, you won't regret it.
I want to hear your story. When have you been glad that you let go of the old to experience something new? How did God grow you in that situation?
I saw a word picture today that I wanted to share. It was the picture of surrender. The source is surprising. I'll tell my story and then share some thoughts.
Every day I take my very young children to daycare. It was my intent to stay home with them until they were in kindergarten, but an opportunity that came out of nowhere caused me to have to find daytime caregivers for my children. I was blessed to find a really great Christian daycare. And, I love my children's teachers. They do so well with my kids. I find myself praying for them every time I think about how much they bless my family. These thoughts are particularly strong since this is Teacher Appreciation Week.
Anyway, the girls do miss me and do not like to see me go in the morning. It's hard for me, too. Especially when they cling to me as tightly as they can. It breaks my heart to break that literal bond between us. Today, was one of those days. My one year old did her NO, NO dance outside the door to her classroom. But when Miss Veronica picked her up, she seemed to surrender to the inevitable. She loves Miss Veronica anyway. My three year old did the same thing, a little differently. When we got to her classroom, her first instinct was to cling. But then she remembered she had a special handmade card to give her teacher. She, too, surrendered to school.
Can you see where I'm going with this? I'm not sure how my mind got here, unless by the Holy Spirit. When I saw my children surrender the comfort of their mommy in order to experience new and wonderful things and to learn, I saw a picture of what our temptation is as adults. We want to cling with all our might to our comfort zones. When someone (like a good friend) or something (like a good book) tries to tear us away from what we know it's painful. We are sad. But when we surrender to what God has in store for us, it turns out to be such a wonderful thing. We learn and grow, just like my children are learning and growing in school.
My challenge today is that you mind your heart closely. If you feel God tugging at you to let go of the old, so he can grow you with the new - give in! It may feel terrifying at first. But, trust me, you won't regret it.
I want to hear your story. When have you been glad that you let go of the old to experience something new? How did God grow you in that situation?
My Own Personal Horror
(copied from my 360.yahoo.com blog dated 2/11/08)
Someone recently told me that there seems to be an entire missing piece of my story. If I find the missing piece then I am more likely able to defeat my depression, overeating and relationship issues. In other words, if I want to grow - I must know.
So, the question of the hour is, "How do I locate the missing piece of my story?"
The obvious answer is to rebuild my story from the beginning. From my childhood, early adulthood and even these middle ages of my life, I may uncover a pattern; something that I have missed all this time. But, I think there may be another way to approach at least one of my issues.
For a long time I have coped with nightmares, especially since moving out of my parents house and into an apartment. These nightmares are graphic horrors, often full of gore. I can remember one night waking up in a sweat. A cool breeze was blowing in through my old casement windows, through which I swear I saw bloodied bodies hanging by nooses from the large oak outside. It took several minutes to fight off the image that was stenciled on my mind. I didn't sleep again that night.
It's been better, since having children. Now that I am finally getting a full night's sleep (1st time since pregnancy, and a commodity since the dreams began), the dreams happen only occasionally. Ironically - perhaps the timing is no accident - I have recently decided to go in with my brother and cousins on an anthology of zombie stories. This is very wierd, since I hate horror movies. I actually had to quiz my brother on zombie lore so that I did not break any important rules. While writing, I realized that my vivid imagination tended to relive some of the gore from my dreams. Some of it ended up in my story. Most did not. Maybe I am afraid to confront this dreadful part of me. I don't want to admit that something so dark could reside here. And I certainly don't want to spread this horror to the hearts of others. Something inside me says that I must resist this evil by not giving it credit.
I discussed my hesitation to write out all that I imagine which is sinister with my cousins and brother and husband. It was suggested that I should go ahead and flesh out these ideas (no pun intended). Some authors write best what they fear most. I don't really consider myself an author. If I do write my own personal imagined horror, without holding back, I think it might be to investigate a hidden part of me that I fear to enter. Maybe this is the missing piece of my story. God help me if I find some real terror lurking there.
Someone recently told me that there seems to be an entire missing piece of my story. If I find the missing piece then I am more likely able to defeat my depression, overeating and relationship issues. In other words, if I want to grow - I must know.
So, the question of the hour is, "How do I locate the missing piece of my story?"
The obvious answer is to rebuild my story from the beginning. From my childhood, early adulthood and even these middle ages of my life, I may uncover a pattern; something that I have missed all this time. But, I think there may be another way to approach at least one of my issues.
For a long time I have coped with nightmares, especially since moving out of my parents house and into an apartment. These nightmares are graphic horrors, often full of gore. I can remember one night waking up in a sweat. A cool breeze was blowing in through my old casement windows, through which I swear I saw bloodied bodies hanging by nooses from the large oak outside. It took several minutes to fight off the image that was stenciled on my mind. I didn't sleep again that night.
It's been better, since having children. Now that I am finally getting a full night's sleep (1st time since pregnancy, and a commodity since the dreams began), the dreams happen only occasionally. Ironically - perhaps the timing is no accident - I have recently decided to go in with my brother and cousins on an anthology of zombie stories. This is very wierd, since I hate horror movies. I actually had to quiz my brother on zombie lore so that I did not break any important rules. While writing, I realized that my vivid imagination tended to relive some of the gore from my dreams. Some of it ended up in my story. Most did not. Maybe I am afraid to confront this dreadful part of me. I don't want to admit that something so dark could reside here. And I certainly don't want to spread this horror to the hearts of others. Something inside me says that I must resist this evil by not giving it credit.
I discussed my hesitation to write out all that I imagine which is sinister with my cousins and brother and husband. It was suggested that I should go ahead and flesh out these ideas (no pun intended). Some authors write best what they fear most. I don't really consider myself an author. If I do write my own personal imagined horror, without holding back, I think it might be to investigate a hidden part of me that I fear to enter. Maybe this is the missing piece of my story. God help me if I find some real terror lurking there.
Celebraties Can't Win
(copied from my 360.yahoo.com blog dated 2/7/08)
My mind has been dwelling on celebrities this week. I'm pretty sure there will be a handful of readers who totally disagree with me, but the title says it all. Celebrities can't win.
When I see Brittany Spears on the news again and again and again, with one problem after the other, my first instinct is to say, "Get it together, Chica!" But, then I just want to cry for her. Her problems may be self inflicted. But, then again, they may not. It seems like every time she acts out she is desperately begging for someone to help her work through some sort of deep hurt. And, although she is constantly surrounded by an entourage, I think she must be very, very lonely.
After Katrina, George Clooney was very public about his efforts to raise funds for the Katrina refugees. If my memory serves, he received a great deal of criticism and was even accused of stealing some of the raised funds.
Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have salvaged several children from a lifetime of hardship and have spent a good deal of time in Africa and other countries carrying out their humanitarian efforts. The critics say they only adopted the babies for the media attention. Give me a break! As I watch the paparazi videos they seem to take true delight in their children.
The Olsen Twins are too skinny and have problems with drugs. Well, maybe that's because they've been in hollywood since they were babies.
Susan Sarandon should mind her own business and keep her mouth shut when it comes to politics. Because she is a celebrity, her political opinion doesn't matter. And she couldn't possibly be intelligent enough to make any political sense.
Or the latest...Oprah endorses a presidential candidate. The media latched on to that one pretty quick. They started calling Obama's campain Oprahbama. As if, his success hinges on her endorsement, rather than his ability to lead the country.
Frankly, I don't think anyone has any business criticizing these individuals. We don't know the kind of pain a person could be going through. Every person should be entitled to their opinion...this is America. And, if you were suddenly blessed with a rich endowment, wouldn't you want to use it to make a difference in this world, especially in the lives of children.
My hope for today is that we all take a step back from our judgemental slants. Instead of criticizing these individuals and celebrities in general, try praying a blessing over their journey. If their lives are in need of change or their motives need to be checked or their hearts are in the wrong place, that has nothing to do with us and everything to do with their relationship to God. So, take all that time spent griping about them and get on your knees and pray for them. Celebrities have the ability to make real change in our world and bring glory to God if they choose.
My mind has been dwelling on celebrities this week. I'm pretty sure there will be a handful of readers who totally disagree with me, but the title says it all. Celebrities can't win.
When I see Brittany Spears on the news again and again and again, with one problem after the other, my first instinct is to say, "Get it together, Chica!" But, then I just want to cry for her. Her problems may be self inflicted. But, then again, they may not. It seems like every time she acts out she is desperately begging for someone to help her work through some sort of deep hurt. And, although she is constantly surrounded by an entourage, I think she must be very, very lonely.
After Katrina, George Clooney was very public about his efforts to raise funds for the Katrina refugees. If my memory serves, he received a great deal of criticism and was even accused of stealing some of the raised funds.
Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have salvaged several children from a lifetime of hardship and have spent a good deal of time in Africa and other countries carrying out their humanitarian efforts. The critics say they only adopted the babies for the media attention. Give me a break! As I watch the paparazi videos they seem to take true delight in their children.
The Olsen Twins are too skinny and have problems with drugs. Well, maybe that's because they've been in hollywood since they were babies.
Susan Sarandon should mind her own business and keep her mouth shut when it comes to politics. Because she is a celebrity, her political opinion doesn't matter. And she couldn't possibly be intelligent enough to make any political sense.
Or the latest...Oprah endorses a presidential candidate. The media latched on to that one pretty quick. They started calling Obama's campain Oprahbama. As if, his success hinges on her endorsement, rather than his ability to lead the country.
Frankly, I don't think anyone has any business criticizing these individuals. We don't know the kind of pain a person could be going through. Every person should be entitled to their opinion...this is America. And, if you were suddenly blessed with a rich endowment, wouldn't you want to use it to make a difference in this world, especially in the lives of children.
My hope for today is that we all take a step back from our judgemental slants. Instead of criticizing these individuals and celebrities in general, try praying a blessing over their journey. If their lives are in need of change or their motives need to be checked or their hearts are in the wrong place, that has nothing to do with us and everything to do with their relationship to God. So, take all that time spent griping about them and get on your knees and pray for them. Celebrities have the ability to make real change in our world and bring glory to God if they choose.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)