Cultural Identity

I was intrigued when listening to NPR do an article on leaders from the ANC, African National Congress, leaving to form a new opposition party in South Africa (http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=95924786).

Please listen to the link for a better understanding of the what's been happening. My comment is in relation to one piece of this story. A dissident party member describes why he has decided to leave the party, that the ANC no longer lives by its long tradition of fighting tribalism. His words were something like...a Zulu party member wants to make T-Shirts displaying his tribe's emblem and the ANC is OK with this. They did not fight it.

My first instinct was to put this comment into an American context. I thought, "why would it not be OK for a Zulu to make a T-Shirt displaying the emblems of his tribe?" My thought process followed two perspectives.

1. Making a Zulu oriented T-Shirt, from an American perspective, would be like someone who was Japanese wearing a shirt with their country's flag on it. Or a Latina, wearing the colors of Puerto Rico or Cuba or Mexico. Or even the Rastafarian who wears a yellow, green and red shirt with Bob Marley on the front. I mean showing people who you are and where you come from has become a source of price for most Americans. I thought, "Why would you not want a Zulu to display his or her own heritage? Isn't being Zulu a huge part of their identity? To take that person's identity away and make them just ANC, is that truly democratic? Wouldn't their be a lot of grief and sadness related to the process of wiping out tribalism in South Africa? And haven't we seen in America that when a person's identity is taken away, we are left with generations of individuals who, not knowing who they are and where they come from, lead reckless unproductive lives?"

2. When I think of Rwanda and Darfur and how the tribes try to wipe each other out because of grudges that go untended; when I think of all the atrocities committed in the name of one tribe or the other, I begin to see tribes as more like gangs. From this perspective, to wear a tribal T-Shirt might be more closely akin to wearing gang colors or gang signs.

But, I think there must be a compromise between these two perspectives. Somehow America has gotten there, I think. We are the great melting pot. And not a day goes by when I as an American am reminded of the benefits of cultural and racial diversity. Rather than wiping out the identity of a person by eliminating tribalism, hadn't we ought to focus on forgiveness and peace between the tribes? How would a government like the ANC go about quenching the hot tribal hatred without stripping a tribe of its identity?

I'd love to know your thoughts.

Promptings

Here is a word picture that I received while driving recently. It came from dwelling on my relationship with two people I love very much, but have had difficulty loving well lately.

The beautiful Christian who has not experienced, or does not understand, the fullness of God's grace is like a deliciously fragrant flower that keeps closed up tight because it is ashamed of its colors deep inside and afraid of being judged by those who kneel down for a closer look.

The Christian's spiritual fruit is the fragrance that draws your attention. The outer shell is perfect in form and color; clearly the creator spared no attention to detail when designing His child, and the child has taken care not to deform its petals with the poisons of the world.

As you admire this flower you long to know more; you crave to have a deeper, more intimate experience with this lover of Christ. You will never truly know or understand this flower until you see the rich colors deep within. But the flower is full of fear and remains shut tight. If you force the petals open, you will only damage the flower.

You stare perplexed as you try to determine the safest way to know the flower more deeply. The flower, in turn, feels your stares and is sure that you are judging it already. It becomes self conscious. Perhaps one of its petals has browned on the tip. Perhaps its efforts to remain a stunning picture of religious perfection have been sullied somehow. The flower silently wishes you would just take your lofty ideals of love and intimacy and go away!

Suddenly you feel a great sadness well up within you. This flower is beautiful and fragrant, but what keeps it shut tight? You begin to guess at the colors inside. Perhaps the colors are deep hues of blue as if the flower has experienced a great sadness of its own. Perhaps the colors are shades of black like unresolved anger or violet like the bruises of punishment or persecution. It seems you will never know.

You shed many tears of grief as you ask the Lord what you should do. You don't want to ignore the longing inside, for that wouldn't be living in truth. And now that you sense there is a great sadness that needs ministering to, the sadness of not knowing the fullness of God's grace, you couldn't possibly walk away from this beautiful Christian. You must stay and be there for him until...

Silently, on the wind, the Holy Spirit enters the garden with an aroma unlike any you have ever know, like silk on the air. He has heard your cries and has come to attend to the delicate flower. "I've tried everything," you weep, "but it just won't budge." The Holy Spirit surrounds the flower. The flower shudders because it is certain that God's judgement is imminent. It must have missed some very important theology, or failed to serve others well, or just isn't beautiful enough on the inside. Then the Holy Spirit breathes warmth onto the flower and you feel it too. You feel - safe. The flower falls into a deep sleep. Then the Holy Spirit begins to sing. He sings a love song to the flower while gently stroking the flowers petals. He sings a love song to the Christian and the touch of his hand on her face is so gentle and soothing.

Without fear the flower begins to open. Without fear the Christian slowly lets down his guard. The colors inside give off a dazzling glow. There are blues and blacks and violets. But there is also red, orange, green all glittering like they have been dusted with gold.

"What is it you see?" the Holy Spirit asks.

"I see beauty," you reply.

"That is what We see as well."

"Is this flower perfect?" I very much want to know because it just so beautiful.

"No. There is no one perfect except for Us."

The flower, the Christian, finally finds its voice. "I know I'm not perfect. I've tried so hard. I'm sorry I've failed." The Holy Spirit whispers gently. "Your sins are forgiven and your failures are washed clean. Because of the blood of Jesus Christ, God the Father sees what I see, a beautiful flower. A beautiful Christian. And we love you more than you will ever comprehend."

The flower, the Christian, finally understands. Fear is gone and her loved ones are finally let in to see the deeper parts. And through the love of Jesus and the ministry of the Holy Spirit, the dark blues and blacks and violets that represent the great sadness in the flower's soul begin to brighten until only traces of darkness remain.

This is my prayer for my two loved ones. That the ministry of the Holy Spirit breath the truth of grace into their lives, so that they can in turn learn to love without fear of judgement and so that we can begin to experience one another with the deepest of intimacy.

Prayer & Meditation

(copied from my 360.yahoo.com blog dated 4/3/08)

A friend recently explained to me the detailed, step by step process of eastern style meditation. As denoted in the picture, the meditative posture is very important as well as the thoughtful visualizations that occur during the meditation. My friend has come a long way from delving into witchcraft and the metaphysical to being totally sold out for Christ. The other day we talked about meditation as it relates to Christianity.

First, I want to mention a book that another friend is reading, Developing Intimacy with God: An Eight-Week Prayer Guide Based on Ignatius' "Spiritual Exercises" by Alex Aronis. I just found out about this book, so I can't really comment on it, except that my friend says it's awesome! You can find this book on Amazon, and I also found translations of St. Ignatius' Spiritual Exercises. I think both of these books will be worth the read.

Second, I want to share an experience that I had at a women's retreat. We were given a brief description of Centering Prayer, and then given the opportunity to try it. Basically, we were asked to become still and tell God that we were ready to listen and receive his word and then just listen and wait. Closing our eyes was important in order to shut out any distractions. It was difficult for me at first to still my mind. But when I did, very unexpectedly, I was given a clear vision. I saw myself sitting crosslegged in a grassy knoll by a stream. I asked God where I was and he said, "This is the River of Life." I remember not really knowing what to do with this information, except to quietly sit and experience the River of Life. After our time of Centering Prayer was over, we all had an opportunity to discuss what God had shown us. Three or four people received similar messages about the River of Life. The music, which had been decided on prior to the retreat, also talked about the River of Life. It was truly amazing to experience God's Word in that moment of prayer and meditation.

Third, I want to address any spirit of fear related to meditation. In my friend's case, meditation was used to open her mind to spirits. I have no doubt that these spirits came. It's a little scary to think of how the dark spiritual realm visits the open mind and heart, and what lies are told during that time. But, just because there is a dark side to meditation does not mean that meditation itself is wrong. In fact, the bible mentions meditation over and over again. It especially appears in the book of Psalms, which tells me that meditation can be a very worshipful experience.

Joshua 1:8 Do not let this book of law depart from your mouth; meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do everything written in it.

Psalm 1:2 But his delight is in the law of the Lord, and on his law he meditates day and night.

Psalm 19:14 May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, O Lord, my rock and my redeemer.

Psalm 39:3 My heart grew hot within me, and as I meditated the fire burned. Then I spoke with my tongue.

Psalm 48:9 Within your temple, O God, we meditate on your unfailing love.

Psalm 77:12 I will meditate on all your works and consider all your mighty deeds.

Psalm 104:34 May my meditation be pleasing to him, as I rejoice in the Lord.

Psalm 119:15 I meditate on your precepts and consider your ways.

Psalm 119:23 Though rulers sit together and slander me, your servant will meditate on your decrees.

Psalm 119:27 Let me understand the teaching of your precepts; then I will meditate on your wonders.

Psalm 119:48 I lift up my hands to your commands, which I love, and I meditate on your decrees.

There are other scriptures that command us to take time out to think on certain things:

Philippians 4:8 Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable-if anything is excellent or praisworthy-think about such things.

You have seen in some of my previous blogs my frustration with depression and overeating. Often in the last few months I've been recalling my experience with Centering Prayer and I believe God is encouraging me to come back to him in prayer and meditation. Prayer for me is usually more conversational. I try to listen, but I am always distracted by children or my job or whatever. I think God is asking me to sit still and listen...to close my eyes, to quiet my mind, to visualize God's word, to hear his whisper, to see him or experience him in whatever way he decides I need to experience him. Perhaps in meditation, I will hear God's word as it relates to my life.

Surrender

(copied from my 360.yahoo.com blog dated 2/14/08)

I saw a word picture today that I wanted to share. It was the picture of surrender. The source is surprising. I'll tell my story and then share some thoughts.

Every day I take my very young children to daycare. It was my intent to stay home with them until they were in kindergarten, but an opportunity that came out of nowhere caused me to have to find daytime caregivers for my children. I was blessed to find a really great Christian daycare. And, I love my children's teachers. They do so well with my kids. I find myself praying for them every time I think about how much they bless my family. These thoughts are particularly strong since this is Teacher Appreciation Week.

Anyway, the girls do miss me and do not like to see me go in the morning. It's hard for me, too. Especially when they cling to me as tightly as they can. It breaks my heart to break that literal bond between us. Today, was one of those days. My one year old did her NO, NO dance outside the door to her classroom. But when Miss Veronica picked her up, she seemed to surrender to the inevitable. She loves Miss Veronica anyway. My three year old did the same thing, a little differently. When we got to her classroom, her first instinct was to cling. But then she remembered she had a special handmade card to give her teacher. She, too, surrendered to school.

Can you see where I'm going with this? I'm not sure how my mind got here, unless by the Holy Spirit. When I saw my children surrender the comfort of their mommy in order to experience new and wonderful things and to learn, I saw a picture of what our temptation is as adults. We want to cling with all our might to our comfort zones. When someone (like a good friend) or something (like a good book) tries to tear us away from what we know it's painful. We are sad. But when we surrender to what God has in store for us, it turns out to be such a wonderful thing. We learn and grow, just like my children are learning and growing in school.

My challenge today is that you mind your heart closely. If you feel God tugging at you to let go of the old, so he can grow you with the new - give in! It may feel terrifying at first. But, trust me, you won't regret it.

I want to hear your story. When have you been glad that you let go of the old to experience something new? How did God grow you in that situation?

My Own Personal Horror

(copied from my 360.yahoo.com blog dated 2/11/08)

Someone recently told me that there seems to be an entire missing piece of my story. If I find the missing piece then I am more likely able to defeat my depression, overeating and relationship issues. In other words, if I want to grow - I must know.

So, the question of the hour is, "How do I locate the missing piece of my story?"

The obvious answer is to rebuild my story from the beginning. From my childhood, early adulthood and even these middle ages of my life, I may uncover a pattern; something that I have missed all this time. But, I think there may be another way to approach at least one of my issues.

For a long time I have coped with nightmares, especially since moving out of my parents house and into an apartment. These nightmares are graphic horrors, often full of gore. I can remember one night waking up in a sweat. A cool breeze was blowing in through my old casement windows, through which I swear I saw bloodied bodies hanging by nooses from the large oak outside. It took several minutes to fight off the image that was stenciled on my mind. I didn't sleep again that night.

It's been better, since having children. Now that I am finally getting a full night's sleep (1st time since pregnancy, and a commodity since the dreams began), the dreams happen only occasionally. Ironically - perhaps the timing is no accident - I have recently decided to go in with my brother and cousins on an anthology of zombie stories. This is very wierd, since I hate horror movies. I actually had to quiz my brother on zombie lore so that I did not break any important rules. While writing, I realized that my vivid imagination tended to relive some of the gore from my dreams. Some of it ended up in my story. Most did not. Maybe I am afraid to confront this dreadful part of me. I don't want to admit that something so dark could reside here. And I certainly don't want to spread this horror to the hearts of others. Something inside me says that I must resist this evil by not giving it credit.

I discussed my hesitation to write out all that I imagine which is sinister with my cousins and brother and husband. It was suggested that I should go ahead and flesh out these ideas (no pun intended). Some authors write best what they fear most. I don't really consider myself an author. If I do write my own personal imagined horror, without holding back, I think it might be to investigate a hidden part of me that I fear to enter. Maybe this is the missing piece of my story. God help me if I find some real terror lurking there.

Celebraties Can't Win

(copied from my 360.yahoo.com blog dated 2/7/08)

My mind has been dwelling on celebrities this week. I'm pretty sure there will be a handful of readers who totally disagree with me, but the title says it all. Celebrities can't win.

When I see Brittany Spears on the news again and again and again, with one problem after the other, my first instinct is to say, "Get it together, Chica!" But, then I just want to cry for her. Her problems may be self inflicted. But, then again, they may not. It seems like every time she acts out she is desperately begging for someone to help her work through some sort of deep hurt. And, although she is constantly surrounded by an entourage, I think she must be very, very lonely.

After Katrina, George Clooney was very public about his efforts to raise funds for the Katrina refugees. If my memory serves, he received a great deal of criticism and was even accused of stealing some of the raised funds.

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have salvaged several children from a lifetime of hardship and have spent a good deal of time in Africa and other countries carrying out their humanitarian efforts. The critics say they only adopted the babies for the media attention. Give me a break! As I watch the paparazi videos they seem to take true delight in their children.

The Olsen Twins are too skinny and have problems with drugs. Well, maybe that's because they've been in hollywood since they were babies.

Susan Sarandon should mind her own business and keep her mouth shut when it comes to politics. Because she is a celebrity, her political opinion doesn't matter. And she couldn't possibly be intelligent enough to make any political sense.

Or the latest...Oprah endorses a presidential candidate. The media latched on to that one pretty quick. They started calling Obama's campain Oprahbama. As if, his success hinges on her endorsement, rather than his ability to lead the country.

Frankly, I don't think anyone has any business criticizing these individuals. We don't know the kind of pain a person could be going through. Every person should be entitled to their opinion...this is America. And, if you were suddenly blessed with a rich endowment, wouldn't you want to use it to make a difference in this world, especially in the lives of children.

My hope for today is that we all take a step back from our judgemental slants. Instead of criticizing these individuals and celebrities in general, try praying a blessing over their journey. If their lives are in need of change or their motives need to be checked or their hearts are in the wrong place, that has nothing to do with us and everything to do with their relationship to God. So, take all that time spent griping about them and get on your knees and pray for them. Celebrities have the ability to make real change in our world and bring glory to God if they choose.

Tear Down Those Fences

(copied from my 360.yahoo.com blog dated 1/24/08)

Dr. Phil says all the time, "Good fences make good neighbors." Seems like wisdom, doesn't it? Set boundaries in your relationships and be a happier person.

Or does it simply mean, "you mind your own business, and I will mind my own business, and we will get along"? This is the way I grew up. It works well. You wave to your neighbor when he or she drives by. When you're out riding your bike or working in the yard, you stop for a brief conversation. But you don't get involved. And because everyone is minding their own business there is peace in the hood.

To me, the statement "Good fences make good neighbors" implies don't get involved. The more I think about it, the more it seems totally wrong. There are people out there with needs. You will never know what they are needing if you don't become involved.

So, I say get involved. Get to know your neighbors. Try tearing down those fences. Show God's love by building relationships instead of fences.

Boy, I sound bossy! I just know that ever since I married my husband, an individual who will not settle for fences (literally and figuratively) my life has been filled with a tapestry of personalities, backgrounds, hopes, fears. And, I have never had a bad experience getting to know my neighbors. In fact, there are special memories I will always cherish because I went the extra mile to get to know my neighbors. Like 80 year old Claire swimming in the pool every night, and her husband watering their lawn in his rain coat and boots. They are a beautiful couple. Getting to know them made these images so much more significant. I will never forget them.

Will you experiment with me? Will you invite neighbors that you don't know well over or out for dinner? Will you take time to get to know them? Will you ask them how you can pray for them? I will do the same. Then, I would love to hear how that went for you. I would like to see this concept unfold and hear how God has worked in your life and theirs through obedience to his call to relationship and community.

Sensing Relationship

(copied from my 360.yahoo.com blog dated 1/9/08)

Last Sunday during Communion my senses were tickled by the scent of my one year old. She had just come in from the playground. It was a damp day, overcast. The playground was full of brown leaves that would normally crunch under foot, but because of the rain were soft. As is my custom, I gently put my nose behind her ear to feel her soft hair and her soft skin and to breath in that sweet baby scent. On this day, however, she smelled of wet fall leaves and damp earth. My heart fluttered and lept because I felt even more close to her than usual. Maybe she felt it too because she gave me a big hug. Then my three year old grabbed me around the leg and I sensed that same outdoor fragrance.

All week long the memory of that scent has come back to me when least expected. Despite difficulties with other relationships, there is peace in knowing that my children love me completely, trust me and know me so incredibly well.

There are other scents that bring me to a similar place. I see God woven throughout each scent.

When my husband comes home from work, trods through the house weary from the days effort and leans over to kiss me, I smell diesel fuel and sweat. While I don't go around craving the scent of diesel, the fragrance reminds me of how hard he works to provide for his wife and children. At those times I feel grateful to God and overwhelmed at my husband's love for me.

When I was a child, I remember my father smelling of Old Spice every Sunday. He would shave and then put on his suit for church. To this day, I think he still uses that aftershave. The scent invokes a feeling of stability or confidence that my father will always lead his family to be faithful followers of Jesus Christ.

Just this week, I was prayed over by the elders of our church. They anointed me with oil and interceded for me as the leader of a church ministry. The scent of the oil stayed with me all night long. I felt as though God the Father had broken a vile of his most precious oil and poured it over my head and said, "You are mine and I will keep you in my care always. Do not worry about the future of this ministry. Trust me."

Waiting to receive the bread and the wine that Sunday morning and the feeling of closeness to my child brought me to a deeper reverence and made the experience of Communion even that much more meaningful. I encourage each person reading this blog to consider what a relationship with the Lord might smell like (damp earth, sweet oil or, yes, even diesel fuel). Take that scent with you this week. Become wrapped up in daily communion with Christ. Be reminded that no matter what happens...

" The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness." Lamentations 3:22-23

Girl's Night Out

(copied from my 360.yahoo.com blog dated 12/12/07)

What happens at Robin's stays at Robin's.

The DTHG girls had a great night last night. I thoroughly enjoyed every minute. But, you know I can't really tell you what was said. That's our little secret. I can, however, tell you how I felt...the topic of my next blog.

As a child, I was kind of a loner. I was shy and insecure. Other children made fun of my buck teeth and my highwater jeans and my complete deficiency in any athletic activity - you know, always the last one chosen for kickball teams. So, I chose my friends carefully. I befriended those who also needed a friend, the social outcasts. My compassion for the loneliness of a trailer park kid, or the only black student in the entire school, or the kid who said strange things and had strange interests, or even the kid who annoyed everyone, was truly sincere. I identified with their pain. Then one day, in college, I got burned by one of my social outcast female friends. It hurt. I think at the time I believed we supported one another and there was some loyalty. But I was wrong.

It was at that point that I realized it was safer to befriend guys and I became very good at making guy friends. I think that is why rock climbing, among other reasons, was such a good sport for me. 90% of my time was spent with guys who enjoyed doing the same things I did and saw me as an athletic peer, which was a very safe way to be. Guys who don't want to date a girl, general speaking, do not challenge her with a deep intentional relationship that requires mutual support and sacrifice. In my adventurous twenties that was SO the way to go.

Then I met Ben who challenged me with a deeply intentional relationship that required mutual support and sacrifice. And it felt safe (and I loved him and God said so), so I married him. Once comforted by a safe relationship I began to wonder what it would be like to have girlfriends. You know, gals I could shop with and do crafts with, etc. As I started to pursue female friendships, I realized I had no idea what I was doing and didn't really know how to nurture that kind of relationship. Hanging out with the gals felt uncomfortable and alien.

Now it's been 6ish years that I have worked on female friendships and last night I realized that they are comfortable and fun and feel safe. And I know that the love that I pour out on my sisters in Christ comes back to me seven fold.

So, thank you Sistas. I love you and look forward to many more girl's nights out.

Balance

(copied from my 360.yahoo.com blog dated 11/12/07)

I am constantly s--t--r--i--v--i--n--g for balance in my life.


Single at home - HEAVY on adventure, light on intimate relationships
Single at work - HEAVY on ideals, light on maturity
Married at home - HEAVY on quality time, light on me time
Married at work - HEAVY on thought, light on inspiration
One child at home - HEAVY on concern and worry, light on sleep
One child at work - HEAVY on guilt, light on concentration
One child no work - HEAVY on domestic duties, light on adult conversation
Two children no work - HEAVY on insanity, light on quality time w/ hubby
Two children at work - What was I thinking?!?!

Last week was particularly difficult to balance. My husband was just getting over a major flu bug. I tried to take care of him, take care of my two children, go to work at a new job where I feel very unsure and operate a successfull household. It didn't work. I'm a woman. I should be good at multi-tasking (I am), but I often long for the opportunity to focus on one thing at a time. God gave me two precious years to do just that...focus on my two precious babies. But somehow, that didn't feel balanced either.

Whether my time is spent caregiving, working, cleaning or zoning out, I have yet to feel I am in a place of balance. Is it an unrealistic dream to walk outside on my perfect porch, drinking my perfect cup of tea, in the perfect early morning, with the perfect mist hanging in the perfect forest beyond my perfect property, I being in a perfect frame of mind - aware of my goals for the day with no sense of stress or worry, totally confident that everything will happen just as perfectly as my perfect morning with my perfect cup of tea? I swear I saw something like that on TV.

I want to know what God says about balance. My home group studied the book Keeping the Sabbath Wholly by Marva J. Dawn, which talks about observing the Sabbath and how a day of rest is a piece of that puzzling balance. But I want to know more. Does anyone have any books or scripture that they know of that specifically talks about balance?

Night Lights

(copied from my 360.yahoo.com blog dated 10/28/07)

Something strange happened to me on Friday. After working three weeks on my new job, I had finally HAD IT with Northside traffic. On this particular day, after work, I spent 30 minutes driving 8 miles to the day care. Then I spent 50 minutes driving another 8 miles to my relatives house. After a lovely visit, I spent 20 minutes driving home with fussy, overly tired children. Added to my morning commute, I place my time in the car around 2 1/2 hours per day.

Traffic is soul crushing. It's like heavy weights across your shoulders. You slowly plod down a bleak highway, slowly plod through life. Hey, if I could get to know some of the people around me while I plodded, that might give traffic some redeeming value. Unfortunately, I feel alienated from the people around me as they cut me off and behave selfishly. Who wouldn't! They probably want out of this horrendous mess as badly as I do.

But, I whine (I wanted to say, "I digress" but I haven't actually gotten to any point, yet)...

I don't know how it happened. I don't remember those last twenty minutes. Have you ever been so zoned out that you drive somewhere, but don't actually remember doing it? That was me, until the city came into view. As I watched the twinkling lights of the skyscrapers pass by me, I felt an overwhelming calm. The tall buildings gave me a feeling of protection. The stress of driving in traffic drained out of me. "How can this be?" I wondered. Then I remembered the verse Proverbs 18:10 The name of the LORD is a strong tower; the righteous run to it and are safe. And for the last two minutes of my drive (shockingly traffic free) I took comfort in knowing I would soon be in my safe place, tucking my children in, thanking God for providing a wonderful place of peace.

There is some inexplicable strength in the city. It doesn't make sense that a born and raised rural girl would come to appreciate it. I can't tell you how many people have tried to convince me that living in the city is bad. "You need to get those children out of the city." "I heard living too close to the city makes you a candidate for cancer." "The schools are bad and the people are dangerous." "Don't you feel trapped living in the city?" "You couldn't pay me enough to deal with city traffic. It's too hectic!" To all of this I say, the joke's on you...there is no traffic in the city. I have never felt so trapped than by the traffic on the Northside. And you live as close to your neighbor as I do. And by the way, you couldn't pay me enough to live on the northside! PEOPLE - give the city a chance. Once you get used to the noise - trains, ambulances, the screeching tires and bass music of tricked out cars, jake brakes on the highway, other strange industrial noises - the city can truly be a place of peace.

Men and Their Stories

(copied from my 360.yahoo.com blog dated 10/19/07)

When I was in my twenties I realized something. I love to hear men tell stories. The photograph above is my father, one of the best story tellers I know. He tells some whoppers! And I think they are mostly true. But I love the embellishments, the pregnant pauses, the expressions; and I love that when I hear a man tell a story, I know the story is important to him. It is something from his past that he remembers and wants to share. You won't catch a man "sharing" like women throughout time have always wanted them to. But if you listen closely, and watch, you can learn a lot about a man's heart from his stories.

I am blessed to have many story tellers in my life. And I will sit at their feet (just a word picture, I don't literally sit at people's feet) and listen with rapt attention, even if I have heard the story a dozen times. I especially like to hear the stories of older men because they take me to a place that I never knew. I will never forget the night my Grandad Partridge stayed up late with me on one of his visits. We watched the movie All's Quiet On the Western Front, just the two of us. He opened up to me about some of his experiences in World War II. These were such intense experiences. I had never heard him talk about them to anyone before. I felt priviledged that he let me have a glimpse of a hidden part of him. I was just a child, but I knew it was important.

With all this in mind, I highly recommend you watch Tim Burton's movie Big Fish. It's all about story telling and a man's heart (actually two men - father and son), told much like a fairytale.

So, men...tell me your stories.

Stewards of the Earth

(copied from my 360.yahoo.com blog dated 10/10/07)


Just look at that picture. The Blue Planet. It is so vast and beautiful. And I feel so tiny and helpless in comparison.

I started a new job last October. After staying home with the kids for a blessed two years, I now sit in rush hour traffic. Heading north in the morning is not too bad. But it sickens me to look across the median and see the massive volume of cars headed south towards downtown. Three lanes wide, stop and go for probably 5 miles. I wonder, "How can I not participate in this gross consumption of natural resources, pollution of a beautiful city, etc. and still get to my new job?"

The more I think about this the more overwhelmed I become. I am, try to be, a Green Christian. There doesn't seem to be too many of us around. Most of my close friends feel similar to the way I do. I strongly believe that the earth is not here to consume but to protect and care for and then to enjoy.

Genesis 2:15 The LORD God took the man and put him in the Garden of Eden to work it and take care of it.

Psalm 21:1 The earth is the Lord's, and the fullness thereof; the world, and they that dwell therein.

Deuteronomy 33:13-16 May the LORD bless his land with the precious dew from heaven above and with the deep waters that lie below; with the best the sun brings forth and the finest the moon can yield; with the choicest gifts of the ancient mountains and the fruitfulness of the everlasting hills; with the best gifts of the earth and its fullness

Watching a bunch of metal boxes on rubber wheels blow fumes down a long concrete stretch of land that used to be wooded with huge, beautiful live oak trees and teeming with wildlife is not enjoyable and it makes me sad.

My dilemma - I am called to be a part of this world. I am called into relationship with others and to be salt and light to the world. So, my answer to the question, "How do I not participate in the gross consumption of natural resources?" is not to run to the mountains and be a hermit - albeit tempting. I suppose the answer comes to me in small steps like it did today. I will fight urban sprawl by always living in the inner city. I will do what I can to lobby for construction regulations that limit the destruction and use of natural resources and encourage the use of renewable resources. I will spend my money and my time living out and supporting the many ways a person can do their part for stewardship.

Give me feedback on ways that you have decided to be a good steward of the earth

Diversity - Harder Than It Seems

(copied from my 360.yahoo.com blog dated 09/07/2007)

When it comes to the difficulties of diversity, I have a mountain of experience. I am not a racist. No, I am not. However, I am guilty - very guilty - of stereotyping.

The topic of diversity has been on my mind lately, oddly enough, because of the Disney movies that my daughter has been watching. But let me start at the beginning. I was raised in rural Missouri, home of the hillbillies (was that a stereotypical slur?). Having grown up in a red neck (there I go again) part of the country, I was exposed at an early age to racism against African Americans. I didn't buy into the racist comments that I often heard; however, I believe I carried several stereotypes with me well into my 20's. Then two things happened that caused me to see the light. Now I view all individuals as children of God, regardless of race, religion, etc. - made in His image, all beautiful and yet all falling short of God's perfection - equal and unique. It's one of those God paradoxes I've grown to love.

One life changing event took place when I participated in a missions trip to Malawi (South Central Africa). Our purpose was to evangelize and plant new churches. We were only there one week and we saw God do amazing things! One amazing event for me was when God opened my eyes to how I see myself and contrasted that to how I see others. I had been told that we absolutely must behave above reproach in every way. We especially had to wear dresses only, cut to mid-calf or lower. Why? Because missionaries are respected as authorities from God and an exposed leg implied seductress, temptress, sinner. (God forbid I ever do this again)...I took these instructions to heart and began to assume that the people I preached to believed they were more sinful than me or that I was somehow higher than they were on the human scale. While preaching I implied this assumption and was later set straight by my pastor. I still get kind of sick when I remember all of this. Because of the gentle grace I received from my group and the people we were working with in Malawi, I was able change my attitude towards myself and others.

The next life changing event was a discussion I had with a friend who teaches racial tolerance in a Christian setting. He explained to me how his teachings are not always received well. It made me sad to think that Christians, persecuted throughout history, couldn't soften their hearts when hearing this message. Then he handed me a survey that he had given to his students full of questions about African American facts and history. For instance, when was Martin Luther King, Jr. assissinated? When is Black Heritage Month?...basic things that I should probably know, and didn't. He explained that it is not enough to just tolerate a race, or say that you love all people equally. If you really want to experience diversity, you need to find out more about other races, religions, cultures...people. Go the extra mile to have open dialogue, do research, learn about them. How can we ever be truly sensitive to diversity if we remain ignorant?

I will probably revisit this issue from different angles again and again. It is an area in my life where I need growth.

In regards to the Disney comment earlier, my daughter's favorite movies right now are Aladin and Pocahontus. Other movies that came out around that time were Anastasia and Mulan. It is obvious to me that Disney was making a concerted effort to address diversity in their productions. However, I am disappointed that each movie is filled with racial and cultural stereotypes. I don't want my daughters growing up with the same limitations I had. So, while the movies are very entertaining, I will be spending time helping my children understand these cultures in a more real way.

On that note, I appreciate any conversation about how parents can help their children understand other races and cultures in a more real way.

Fear of the Homeless

(copied from my 360.yahoo.com blog dated 8/4/07)

Two days ago I went to Walgreens to get a photograph developed for my husband's thirtieth birthday party. Sitting in the shade along the side of the building was a man, obviously homeless. His skin was dark and wrinkled, he had missing teeth. All of his worldly belongings lay next to him in a tattered canvas bag. As I walked by him with my two small daughters, he smiled brightly, waved and said something I did not understand, possibly in Spanish. I could see he was delighted by my beautiful girls. Instinctively, I smiled back...but I also picked up the pace, clutching my toddler's hand a little more tightly.

When I crossed into the boundaries of the store, the safe zone, I reprimanded myself for assuming absolutely everything about this man. I assumed that he was not a safe person. I assumed that he wanted something from me. I assumed that he was unpredictable and might harm me or my girls if I said or did the wrong thing. And yet, all he did was smile and wave. He didn't ask for money, he didn't move to stand up; I believe he was no more a threat than the clerk in the store or the gas station attendant across the street. He was just a homeless person trying to find solace from the heat.

As I left the store, the man who checked out in front of me was in conversation with the homeless man. "Why didn't I do that?" I thought. This experience has rekindled thoughts that have been with me for years now. I live very close to downtown San Antonio, TX. There are homeless people all around me. I see them every day. In my heart I have compassion towards them. I want to reach out to them but I am filled with inexplicable fear. My mind says, "Help that person!" but I freeze up and in most instances keep walking or driving. Why can't I at least strike up a conversation with them? Maybe helping them would be as simple as directing them to the nearest shelter or providing them a meal or paying for bus fare. Ben and I moved into our neighborhood expecting God to give us opportunities to reach out to the poor. The opportunities are all around me, but I don't act. It is very frustrating.

Paul says in Romans 7:15 (NIV) "I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do."

It is a temptation to fall into self loathing when I know that God has asked me to love my neighbor and I find it difficult to obey. But I also know that God is growing me, albeit slowly. It was a major step of faith just to move onto a street so absolutely different than the country and suburbia that I knew as a child and young adult. I dealt with fear then as well. I feared home invasions, gangs, child predators, the works. I soon learned that I had moved into a neighborhood full of families. Hmmm.

There will sooner or later be a moment when I feel the call to act on behalf of the homeless so strongly that I can't help but obey. God will ordain the moment and give me triumph over my fears. The time, the place and the way will be clear. Then I know God's blessings will overflow for myself and for the person I try to help. And I will look back on that day and say to my husband, "Remember when I was afraid of the homeless? Thank God those days are over!"
Meanwhile, I must continue to be diligent in combating wrong assumptions about the homeless I encounter. Do not pass judgement over them or their situation; keep perspective by trying to see them the way God seems them. I especially want my children to observe compassionate acts and a heart of service towards the poor and homeless. I do not want them to grow up fearing the homeless.

Coming to Completion

There is a quote I often think of from The Absorbent Mind by Maria Montessori.

"Let us start with one very simple reflection: the child, unlike the adult, is not on his way to death. He is on his way to life. His work is to fashion a man in the fullness of his strength. By the time the adult exists, the child has vanished. So the whole life of the child is an advance toward perfection, toward a greater completeness. From this we may infer that the child will enjoy doing the work needed to complete himself. The child's life is one in which work-the doing of one's duty-begets joy and happiness. For adults, the daily round is more often depressing."

While I agree with many of Montessori's theories, I have to say this is one theory I do disagree with, at least in part. I love the description of a child enjoying the work needed to complete himself. It is what I believe is true for everyone if they choose it to be so. If a child is on his way to life then, presumably, we as adults are in life, in the middle of experiencing a full life. While she says that for adults the daily round is more often depressing, well I guess that's true for many of us. But as a believer in the saving grace of Jesus Christ, I know that I am not on my way to death. There are two scriptures here that I believe are appropriate.

Philippians 1:6 (NIV) "being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus."

Deuteronomy 30:19-20 (NIV) "This day I call heaven and earth as witnesses against you that I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose life, so that you and your children may live and that you may love the Lord your God, listen to his voice and hold fast to him. For the Lord is your life,"

This blog is not intended to be an exegesis on life through Christ. I simply wanted to make the point that we CAN choose life and that we are being constantly brought to completion. And for me, that means continuing to grow in knowledge and grace...to gain spiritual perspective...to have deeper, more intimate relationships...to become more authentic...to start taking action on what I've learned. I want to continue to grow like a child grows, absorbing information from all around me, especially through experiences and through talking with others. Some of the things I plan to investigate are as follows:

Poverty - where do I fit in the fight against it?

Community - how do I draw a community into my life?

Salt & Light - how do I become a seasoning and a source of life in my community?

Restoration - how can I become involved in the restoration of the inner city?

Fear - how much of my life's decisions and reactions are based solely on fear and not on reality?

Growth - where do I see spiritual growth in my own life?

Beauty - how can I draw out the beauty in life and give it to others?

Stewardship of the Earth - how can I become a more responsible steward of Earth?

Racism - what is my part in breaking the patterns of racism in my life and in my country?

Intimacy - how will I become more intimate in my relationship with God and with others?

Spiritual Depravity - what should I do when I encounter indivuals starved for spiritual growth? How will I fight spiritual depravity in own life?

Depression - what can I do to combat periods of depression?

Motherhood - how can I pass on the truths I learn to my children, so that they may grow spiritually as well?

Marriage - I think this topic speaks for itself.

The list goes on and on. I would love to be in intelligent conversation with anyone willing to join me in my journey. I promise now that I will treat every person with dignity and respect in my conversations and I promise to be authentic, always speaking honestly and with love. Welcome to my blog.