My Own Personal Horror

(copied from my 360.yahoo.com blog dated 2/11/08)

Someone recently told me that there seems to be an entire missing piece of my story. If I find the missing piece then I am more likely able to defeat my depression, overeating and relationship issues. In other words, if I want to grow - I must know.

So, the question of the hour is, "How do I locate the missing piece of my story?"

The obvious answer is to rebuild my story from the beginning. From my childhood, early adulthood and even these middle ages of my life, I may uncover a pattern; something that I have missed all this time. But, I think there may be another way to approach at least one of my issues.

For a long time I have coped with nightmares, especially since moving out of my parents house and into an apartment. These nightmares are graphic horrors, often full of gore. I can remember one night waking up in a sweat. A cool breeze was blowing in through my old casement windows, through which I swear I saw bloodied bodies hanging by nooses from the large oak outside. It took several minutes to fight off the image that was stenciled on my mind. I didn't sleep again that night.

It's been better, since having children. Now that I am finally getting a full night's sleep (1st time since pregnancy, and a commodity since the dreams began), the dreams happen only occasionally. Ironically - perhaps the timing is no accident - I have recently decided to go in with my brother and cousins on an anthology of zombie stories. This is very wierd, since I hate horror movies. I actually had to quiz my brother on zombie lore so that I did not break any important rules. While writing, I realized that my vivid imagination tended to relive some of the gore from my dreams. Some of it ended up in my story. Most did not. Maybe I am afraid to confront this dreadful part of me. I don't want to admit that something so dark could reside here. And I certainly don't want to spread this horror to the hearts of others. Something inside me says that I must resist this evil by not giving it credit.

I discussed my hesitation to write out all that I imagine which is sinister with my cousins and brother and husband. It was suggested that I should go ahead and flesh out these ideas (no pun intended). Some authors write best what they fear most. I don't really consider myself an author. If I do write my own personal imagined horror, without holding back, I think it might be to investigate a hidden part of me that I fear to enter. Maybe this is the missing piece of my story. God help me if I find some real terror lurking there.